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Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!
I'll love you until Tom catches Jerry and has him for supper.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
"Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him."
"There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook."
My dad kept calling referring to this mason jar as his “boom box”.
When I asked him why, he responded “I use it for all my jams!”
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Why did Don Corleone send back the plate for his coffee cup?
Someone gave him a saucer he could not reuse.
How do you make a dog stop barking in the backyard?
Move him to the front yard.
My wife got mad at me for playing catch with my son in the backyard
... I didn’t see the big deal until I dropped him.
A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarian's desk and says, "Buk," so she gives him a book. A couple of minutes later, the chicken returns. "Buk," he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.
Finally, it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk," says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit," replies the frog...
Is it possible to scare a sasquatch out of your yard by tossing eggs at him?
Only if you eggs-terminate him.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
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