What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
“Don’t believe everything fortune cookies tell you. Just because they’re sweet doesn’t mean they’re right.”
― Unknown
Where do electricians get their supplies? The Ohm Depot.
Who is the perfect husband? One who keeps his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.
How do sick kangaroos get better?
They have a hoperation.
What do you call a fruit that cannot get married?
A cantelope.
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
What are unsolved murders called when it happens in a society of crows? Murder mysteries.
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
Just like a blue supergiant star, you’re exceedingly hot and extremely bright.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
Which is the building is the largest? The library because it has the most stories.
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
"Aloe you vera much."
What did summer say to spring?
Help – I’m about to fall!
Which classical Greek may have actually invented baseball?
Homer.
Wanna join me for some downward doggy-style tonight?
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
“When I’m under stress, I do yoga. It’s when I’m happiest that I have a problem with junk food.” — Britney Spears
What do you get when you play country music backward?
You get your wife back, your dog back, and your job back.
How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.
“Arguing with a fool proves there are two.”
– Doris M. Smith
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
If the wooden face mask was popularized by Jacques Plante, was the wooden
cup made popular by Jock Plank?
It’s amazing how most jars look alike...
The resemblance is uncanny
There was an exotic pet race to take place.
Adam brought an iguana. "Hes big and fast so hes sure to win!"
Daniel brought a komodo dragon. "He can go really fast when theres a treat for him at the end!"
John brought a leopard gecko. "Hes small but does his best!"
The bets were placed, the race took place and Johns leopard gecko won. When asked after the race how they felt his competitors had only one thing to say:
"Sure no surprises there. We knew he was going to win from the gecko."
Why are snails allowed on ships?
Escargot.
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
You are like my dentures.
I cannot smile without you.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights.
What's the use of having the best phone, but not having my number?
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
What do you call it when you boil a water buffalo?
A mist steak.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Why did the Koala cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
What do you get when you mix LSD and birth control? A trip without the kids.
You must be from Quebec because these feelings I have for you are Mont-real.
Why do they give men Viagra in the old folks home?
To keep them from rolling out of bed.
What did the beach say to the water? "I need some vitamin sea."
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