It's so hot I saw an Amish guy buy an air conditioner.
What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
“Twinkle twinkle sleepy star, wake up now it’s the 11th hour, up above the world so high, the sun has risen in the sky.”
– Mickey Nice
What did the fish say when it ran into the wall?
Dam.
Why can't redheads be in blues or jazz bands?
They got no soul.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I just put some meat in the oven.
It’s bacon.
Most of the fruits usually drink their juice with a straw-berry.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
It’s party thyme.
What type of fish do two sodium atoms make?
2Na.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
What did the wife mushroom say to her husband?
“You’re a fungi!”
What do you call an turkey with a carrot in each ear? Anything you want as he can't hear you!
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
Hey Erin, ever heard that sharin’ is carin’? Care to share a meal together sometime?
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
If you come with me, I'll show you a hard day's night.
What punishment do legs get in the medieval era?
decapita-shin
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
"Yoda one for me."
Can’t take my eyes off of her brewtiful face.
My friend sailed his yacht into the wharf very rapidly, crashing into the dock and causing a dent in the hull.
It's just a berth mark, he swears.
Name the child's favorite Christmas king? A stocking.
Q. What did the bully do to the orange?
A. Beat him to a pulp.
My wife asked me why I was ironing my 4 leaf clover.
I told her I was pressing my luck
"Many so-called spiritual people, they overeat, drink too much, they smoke and don't exercise. But they do go to church every week and pray 'Please help my arthritis. Please help me bring up my strength, make me young again.'"
- Jack LaLanne
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes!
Billy Connolly
What do you get when you cross a computer with an elephant? Lots of memory!
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
What do you get if you cross a frog with a ferry?
A hoppercraft.
It was my first attempt at repairing my wobbly picnic table.
I totally nailed it.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Within minutes, the detective figured out what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
What is a parrot's favourite colour shade?
Polly-chromatic
What do you call a deer in a storm?
A raindeer
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
Robert Benchley
I went to the Veterinarian today.
She really knew how to make my dog heal.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
“Good weather all week, but come the weekend, and the weather stinks. When the weather is too hot, they complain; too cold, they complain; and when it’s just right, they’re watching TV.”
— Rita Rudner
"The pursuit of happiness" means it's cool to hit on you, right?
"My Eyes"
My eyes are full of tears
That they can see no more
I wish you were here
To chop these onions for me.
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
Why does Bigfoot only leave footprints behind?
Sasquatch doesn't litter in the great outdoors.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
Q: What’s a tiger’s favorite color?
A: Roar-range.
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