The huddle is real
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
Roses are red, pizza sauce is too,
I ordered a large one, I’m not sharing with you.
Why was the sedimentary rock so cheap? It was always on shale.
Though my brother won the art competition, he went up to his rival and gave him the credit where it was hue!
How do you make a bandstand?
Take away their chairs.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
Why is marriage like a nice suit? At first it's a perfect fit, but after a while you need alterations.
You want to hear the best rock puns?
Give me a moment and I’ll dig something up.
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. -- Billy Sunday
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
The church is prayer-conditioned. -- Anonymous
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
Your eyes glow just like the twin suns on my home planet.
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
What is a skeleton’s favorite type of film to watch?
A spine-tingler.
I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.
What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? It barked with de-light!
How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of crime?
They just ransomware.
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
Who was Shakespeare's reptilian cousin?
Snakespeare
What did parietal say to frontal?
"I lobe you."
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
An instigator.
I’d better get a library card, because I’m checking out of this relationship.
What do you call a skeleton who rings the doorbell?
A dead ringer.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
What happened when the turkey got into a fight? He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
What do you call a greedy ant?
An anteater.
We’re mint to be.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
When the pig had a quarrel with his wife, he ended up having a gilt trip.
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
"There’s a reason why forty, fifty, and sixty don’t look the way they used to and it’s not because of feminism, or better living through exercise. It’s because of hair dye." Nora Ephron
Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
The guy planted a light bulb and though he’d get a power plant.
"Aerodynamic Mishap"
I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!
I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.
But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!
My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!
– Gareth Lancaster
"The Legs Are Last To Go"
Aunt Ruthie used to sing and dance
a jolly way to find romance
she said one thing that you should know
“The legs are last to go”
“The legs are last to go”
She’d sing her praises right out loud
and wear her stockings high and proud
she still had much that she could show
The legs are last to go
The years roll by and beauty fades
and yet her gams, she still parades
she’s 83 and don’t cha know
her legs were last to go
Her legs were last to go.
– Mike Gentile
Hey girl, you sure float my Ark.
There once was a colour named orange,
...Damnit.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
What do you call a kangaroo that’s exhausted from trespassing?
Out of bounds.
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
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