When a girl saw a sad alligator at the zoo she asked him; hey are you cai-man?

Metaphors be with you.

What is black, white and dead all over?
A zombie in a tuxedo.

"My Shadow"

I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.

– Robert Louis Stevenson

Where do you most often find onions having a drink? In the salad bar.

"A bad day at sea is still better than a good day at work."

If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”

Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.

Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.

How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.

So I was standing at a bus station having a smoke and I was horrified to see the bus leave the bus station without me....

I could have sworn I put the handbrake on!!

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.

There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.

I hate scuba diving.
It was the lowest moment of my life.

Orange you excited for Halloween?

We’re not socks, but we make an excellent pair.

What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.

How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.

People with 20-20 vision..
Why you didn't warn us before??

What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast?
Woofles.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.

Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.

The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.

What did the mama turkey say to her naughty son? If your papa could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!

“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock

Are you made of grapes? Because you are fine as wine!

What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.

Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.

[Chicken] We’re serving this during the game, so you might call it a live ball fowl.

If I was a sticker, would you add me to your vintage luggage set?

The government is planning to ban articles about ironing appliances in the newspaper.
The freedom of press is no more.

I grew facial hair without telling anyone.
It's my secret 'stache.

What do you call a skull without 86 billion neurons?
A no brainer.

What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.

It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.

Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!

(Abby Jenkins)

I remember when I was small and cool,
I was always playing truant from school.
My mum used to say,
"You'll regret it one day
When you grow up to become a fool."

Now I'm old; the damage is done.
How I wish I'd listened to Mum.
If I could turn back time,
I'd study hard and toe the line
Instead of acting foolish and dumb.

Now let that be a lesson to one and all
That life is more than just having a ball.
It was great having fun
When I was young,
But I wish I'd spent more time in the school hall.

(By John P. Read )

I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.

Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!

What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!

What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.

My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.

What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

“Never make your favorite song the alarm for Monday morning; you’ll hate it for years.”

Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.

Heard about the beaver who can split huge logs with his eyes? Yes, he just saw the logs, and they broke into two.

Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.

Good science always checks itself before it wrecks itself.

What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.