Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
What do you call a liquid kangaroo?
Marsoupial.
"If you start to feel good during an ultra, don't worry, you will get over it."
Gene Thibeault
Ever since I laid my eyes on you
I have been wanting to ask you something
Something that has been eating me up
I knew I had to ask it when I got the chance
Are you on twitter?
So that I can follow you
(Anonymous)
“Take care of him. And make him feel important. And if you can do that, you’ll have a happy and wonderful marriage. Like two out of every ten couples.”
— Neil Simon
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
I couldn't chair less!
Why are bones so calm?
Nothing gets under their skin.
Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.
What can one parrot do?
Not as much as toucan.
Why does a horse’s hair always look so good?
She mane-tains it.
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
Why did the hipster throw away his calculus book?
He found it too derivative.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
If a four-legged animal a quadruped and a two-legged animal is a biped, what’s a tiger?
Stri-ped.
What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede?
Bacon and Legs.
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows you are slightly cracked.”
— Bernard Meltzer
Did you hear about the gorilla that was from Vietnam?
He was a viet kong.
Having a dirt yard instead of grass is a bold move...
But having a giant rock is boulder.
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
"I don't share blame. I don't share credit. And I don't share desserts"
– Beverly Sills
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
Call me miles because I want you to complete me every round.
What do you do when you're in a knife fight with a group of clowns?
Go for the juggler.
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
“If I was elected president, the first thing I would do would be to eliminate all Mondays and lengthen the weekend one more day.”
A dog and his bone was on the roam,
Where can I find this bone a home?
Will I bury it next to the tree?
No, too easy for others to see.
What about next to the garden shed?
Maybe in the middle of the garden bed,
Behind the sty where the pigs all are,
What about somewhere right away far.
I think I know what I will do,
I'll just sit down and have a chew,
Tomorrow will be another new day,
I'll find a spot then for the bone to stay.
(John Williams)
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
Hey girl, are you the sun? Because you’re the center of my universe.
Go with me and you'll be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What color are military submarines?
Deep navy
If we raced, I would let you win, so I could get a good view from the back.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
What’s a whale’s favorite movie?
The Humpback Of Notre Dame.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
You are my butter-half!
What’s the scariest koala movie ever made? The Bear Witch Project.
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