What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
May you be granted no memory,
Of the people you wished took a hike,
May your luck hold out for decades,
Bringing you only the folks you like.
May your eyes never fail you,
When you need to tell the difference,
May your walker go from zero to 60,
So you could stay at a safe distance.
(Kevin Nishmas)
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
What do you call a cow that just gave birth?
Decalfeinated.
Santa’s whiskey was much too hearty,
It seems he was a bit of a smarty;
The last day of October,
He is clearly not sober,
He’s wound up at a Halloween party.
Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.
“A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.”
― Unknown
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What did Buzz Lightyear say to Woody?
A lot. There were three movies, and a couple short films too.
I don’t have a controller,
And I don’t have a screen,
I don’t need to be plugged in,
I’m not grey and green.
I can’t make sound effects,
Or visuals that are fantastic,
You can’t put me on a shelf,
Because I’m not made of plastic.
However, I do have curves,
Will keep you entertained all the same,
You can’t insert a disc,
But we can make our own little game.
(Sarah Allen)
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
Lady, you mak me All Shook Up and wake my Animal Instinct
The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Where do water droplets go to settle arguments?
The Supreme Quart.
I stole some kitchen appliances from my mate...
It was dangerous but worth the whisk.
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
Q: What kind of decisions do peaches make?
A: Fruitful ones.
I finally found out why flamingos sleep with one leg up! If they had both legs up they would fall over.
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing but this is as close as I could get.
Your beauty is blinding.
A zoo owner introduced his tiger to the visitors by saying "this is the most paw-some tiger at the zoo".
What do you call a stolen jar?
A free mason.
You’re my heartthrob.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Your lab or my lab?
How did the horse make payments?
In in-stallion-ments.
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, was it Red Bull that gave you wings, or are you just an angel?
“I only go to yoga to drink wine, so I’m good. I just throw the calories right back in.” – Kaley Cuoco
Are you glitter? Because you add sparkle to my life
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
My love for you simply radiates.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
Case in punt
Girls just wanna have sun.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
"We travel, initially, to lose ourselves, and we travel, next to find ourselves."
- Pico Iyer
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? A hot, diggety dog.
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
Some see a puddle of mosquito larva.
I see a pool of enbitenment.
Go to BabaMail
