I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
I do some of my best thinking over coffee. I tend to have a latte on my mind.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
“Monday is almost Tuesday, which is not so far from Wednesday which is neighboring Thursday, and Friday. Enjoy your day!”
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Where do you find giant snails?
At the end of a giant’s finger.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
“Have your elf a merry little Christmas.”
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
When is a synapse like a tree?
When it is pruned.
I'd let you Chataranga over me any day!
Why do horses make good lawyers?
Attention to de-tail.
What's the Kraken gonna give you that'll make you laugh uncontrollably?
Ten Tickles!
Fir sure.
Can birds sell cereal to children?
I don't know if one can, but toucan.
What did the monochrome say to the rainbow?
Oh no! My arch nemesis!
What do you call an eyeless deer?
No-eye-deer.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Do you have any Sriracha sauce? Cause you fire me up!
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken
Rory the warrior and Roger the worrier were reared wrongly in a rural brewery.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
Cute dog! I just wanted to take this op-paw-tunity to say hi!
I told my mother moose were falling from the sky.
She said, "It's reindeer."
Why can't Woody play his guitar?
He doesn't know where his Pixar.
A spider crawled under my keyboard a few minutes ago.
Good news: I’ve got it under Ctrl.
Why do dwarves live in mountains?
They dig it.
The amount of bad Covid-19 jokes being circulated is starting to reach alarming figures
Some scientists suspect that it might be a pundemic.
Who were the first cheese lovers ever?
Edam and Eve.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me immature, I’d have so many Hotwheels.
Where do pigs keep their money? Why in the piggy bank, of course.
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
What do you get when you cross a sloth and a Scottish rock band? Slow Patrol.
Did you hear the one about the statistician.
Probably.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What do deer always use to clean their homes?
Comet!
What happens if a big ghoul steps on Batman and Robin?
They become flatman and ribbon!
Chuck Norris tells Simon what to do.
I got fired from my job as a train operator and my job as a lightning rod.
I guess I'm just a bad conductor.
"It's not you...it's your taste in music"
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What kind of fish will help you hear?
A herring aid!
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Who used to run pen & paper RPGs in 1st century BC Rome?
The Carpe DM
Spent the whole day running around dressed as a zombie. I’m dead on my feet.
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