What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?

When does it start to rain money?
When there is change in the weather.

Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!

What do you call a werewolf with a fever?
A hot dog.

What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.

What do you call a dinosaur that eats it's vegetables? A.brocileasoarus

Where does a pineapple and cucumber vacation? Somewhere tropical (tro-pickle).

"It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta."
— Dave Barry

No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!

What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?
Irritable Brawls in Rome

“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray

Talk literary to me.

I had a flamingo come to stay with me when he had a cold. We nicknamed him phlegmingo.

“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”

Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.

What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.

What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.

Emphysema puffs pink, chronic bronchitis makes you blue, but no COPD makes me as breathless as you!

What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.

My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

I should call you rainbow, because you’re passing with flying colors.

Once I did hear my brother call
The sun a giant fire ball.
How can that be?
For what I see,
Is something up high so small.

I see it at the break of dawn,
When it announces the day is on.
Its brilliant gold,
A joy to behold,
And being outside is so much fun.

John might be right, for I must say,
The sun is not so cool at midday.
Its shining light
Is just so bright,
I have to pull my eyes away.

Evening comes and it's so strange
How the sun still appears to change.
No longer small,
A bigger ball.
Its tone, now a lovely bright orange!

This curious ball hanging up high,
For me, raises many questions why.
But when it shines,
Then life is fine.
Thank God the sun is in the sky.

(By Abimbola T. Alabi)

What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.

For you, I would slay two Goliaths.

Do you know the band 1023 megabytes?
They haven't had a gig yet.

What do goats eat?
Goatmeal.

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"

On Thanksgiving dinner, most of us turn into hipsters.

We all go out of our way to eat the turkey before it is cool.

Are you squiding me right now?

What do penguins eat for lunch?
Ice-bergers!

Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.

A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.

Why do chicken coops only have two doors?
Because if they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

Why can’t you screw with whales?
because they hump back.

How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.

“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.

What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.

Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!

What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.

Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?

What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.

Hey girl, are you a cell phone? Because I just want to look at you all night long.

What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.

Why did the train have bubble gum? Because he wanted to go Choo Choo

Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."

Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."

Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."

Me: "But you said I had 3!"

Genie: "Sue me."

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."

In exactly 3030 years, there's a chance things could be really good, and theres a chance things could be really bad.
I guess it will be 5050.

What do you call a bear who practices dentistry?
A molar bear.

What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights

Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.