Just found two lumps on my car battery.
Got them tested, one came back positive. I hope it's not terminal.
Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.
What do you call an artistic piece of furniture?
A drawer
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Why did the zombie go to the doctor?
Because of his coffin.
Why is the 7 key on the keyboard so afraid?
Because the & is near
A vampire returned a mirror to my shop the other day. It wasn't faulty or anything, he just said he couldn't see himself using it.
What types of mushrooms do vegetarians avoid? Oyster mushrooms.
Hey baby, remember how you said that you can’t live without me? Well, it’s time to get your affairs in order….
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
Do librarians like white wine?
No, they like theirs well red!
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
What do you call a militia of pigeons?
A coo.
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
What did one crow say to the other after the party?
We were raven.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
What do ghosts use to keep their hair in place? Scare-spray!
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
What do you call a bus full of smart people?
A Scholarship
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
Rain doesn’t fall. Raindrops.
What did the priest say at the flooding river?
God, dam it!
Variety is the ice of life.
"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey
How do you make a hormone? You don't pay her.
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
A man and a woman were traveling in a train.
Woman : "Every time you smile,feel like inviting you to my place. "
Man: "Oh really? Are you single?"
Woman: "No. I'm a dentist."
I met this really beautiful crustacean, but I lobst her number.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a tortoise?
A slow-pork.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
Q: Which U.S. state do tigers like the most?
A: Maine.
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
A detective recently came into town to visit the new sushi restaurant
He heard there was a fishy business.
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
How do you describe an acorn in one sentence? In a nutshell, it is an oak tree.
I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.
Why do fluorescent lights hum? Because they can’t remember the words.”
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