What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.
I'm just like a dumpling. I have fillings for you.
"Doctors are always working to preserve our health and cooks to destroy it, but the latter are the more often successful." - Denis Diderot
Who's got a penchant for spearing? Pronger!
No intentional frowning is allowed here.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
"Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons."
- Dave Barry
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
Crows hold grudges. They're also fond of eating the dead. Now...
they've been found to copulate with corpses.
NeCROWphilia.
"Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read." – George Burns
Did you ever hear about the blonde who bathed herself and drank cleaning substances? She wanted to be spotless inside and out.
I stole seven crows yesterday.
Got away with murder.
when I smelled breakfast in the morning it was bacon me eggcited.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
What do you call dogs that look exactly the same?
Dogglegangers.
“If you’re a zebra being chased by a lion, maybe just stop in front of a giant bar code?”
- Guy Endore-Kaiser.
What do llamas call the end of the world?
Llamageddon.
What do we get when we cross a pineapple and a pig? We have a porky – pine!
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
I'd love to go up and down with you, fancy a hill rep session?
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
A bear walks into a bear and says, “I’ll have a pint of lager……….. and a packet of crisps.”
The bartender says, “Sure, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear replies, “I dunno, I was born with them!”
Easter? I hardly even knew her.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What do they call a wild elf in Texas?
Gnome on the range!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
I forgot my fork so tried to eat my lunch with just a spoon. It was pointless.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
Herb your enthusiasm.
Sorry to interrupt with a bad pick up line, but if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber.
What do you call an alligator who is holding a compass?
A navigator.
“An addiction to gardening is not all bad when you consider all the other choices in life.”
— Cora Lea Bell
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
A router and a modem got married.
They were pronounced husbandwidth and Wifi.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
I went to Spain to attend the Running of the Bulls, but when I arrived, there was nothing there but cows with fake horns attached.
I was in shambles.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
What did one paint say to another when they got in an argument? Don't use that tone with me.
What type of underwear does a yard wear?
Lawngerie.
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
"I consider my refusal to go to the gym today as resistance training ."
- Immortal Souls.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
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