Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...
it’s Mark Zuckerberg.
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
One day, my stepfather ordered some fish tacos. I asked him what kind of fish goes in a fish taco.
He said, "Dead."
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
“I do an hour’s yoga and go running everyday. Then I see a picture of myself and I still look like a skinny, pot bellied idiot — and I thought I had turned into this superhunk!” — Chris Martin
What do you get if you a cross a card game with a typhoon? Bridge over troubled water.
What words do windmills live by? One good turn deserves another!
Batman walks into a superhero-only pool, he is quickly stopped by a guard, the guard points to a sign that says
"No swimming without supervision."
Where does a cow hang his best paintings? In a moo-seum, of course.
What did the mitt say to the baseball?
Hey baby, you're quite a catch.
How do penguins drink?
Out of beak-ers!
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad? Transparents
I once fell in love with a blonde,
But found that she wasn't so fond.
Of my pet turtle named Odle,
whom I'd taught how to Yodel,
So she dumped him outside in the pond.
Salty but sweet.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
The company is planning to make a new series to show people how to fly an aeroplane. They are now filming the pilot.
How did Cleopatra feel when she learned she was queen of Egypt?
She was in denial
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
The fact that there is a highway to hell, and only a staircase to heaven
Says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Did you hear about the Owl that could play American football?
It was a superb_owl.
Jellyfish and peanut butterare sea turtles favorite sandwich.
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
“I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.”
Groucho Marx
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
You're so hot you melt the elastic in my underwear.
The queen’s favorite form of precipitation is the reign.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
How would you describe a stinky chemist?
Mole-odorous
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
Why does the superhero shred his cheese?
For the grater good.
I might need a doctor, because you're Dublin my heart-rate!
How does Santa capture photos? With his North Pole-oroid.
What's an Ancient Egyptian favorite restaurant?
Pizza Tut!
What do you call it when Dr. Frankenstein makes tea?
A monstrositea.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Stolen. Stealing is bad and you should return it. Here are some of our favorite corny puns that are so bad they’re good.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Which ancient Greek Philosopher had a foot fetish?
Play-toe.
Or was it Sock-rates?
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
When you meet someone, you don't want to get off to a bad art!
Why are mountains not just funny? Because they are hilarious.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
The crosseyed history teacher
Could not control her pupils.
Go to BabaMail
