What do you call a hat for the brain?
A thinking cap.
Medieval cures...
Were leeches on society
Q: What kind of desserts does a turkey like?
A: Peach gobbler.
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It's the depth charges.
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Fossil
Fossil who?
Fossil last time, open the door!
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
I have been expelled from the Flat Earth Society.
Apparently, I went too far.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
Make it rein.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
The mossbacks could not connect with the new developments, so the bill was hot
down at the senate.
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back
Are you the morning bus?
'Cause i always miss you...
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
I for one
is something you might do if you had a broken keyboard
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
Did you ever notice that supermarket music is actually ideal for slow dancing with strangers?
What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
Flamingos are pretty daring birds. They like just about anything, as long as it’s eggs-citing.
Is chicken soup good for your health?
Not if you’re the chicken.
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
"There are many challenges to long distance running, but one of the greatest is the question of where to put one’s house keys."
Gabrielle Zevin
What do you get when you put a saxophonist in a freezer?
Cool jazz.
“The only certainty in this life is that Monday comes for everyone. A little humor to face at the beginning of the week always goes well. How about starting Monday smiling?”
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
I know a good joke about Ikea furniture, but I'm still putting it together.
I used to be addicted to time travel,
but that's all in the past now.
The lager you wait, the better it tastes.
"Santa’s pretty stelfy going down the chimney, don’t you think?" said one elf to another.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
"How can people my age plan spontaneous trips to Thailand, I can barely afford a spontaneous soft pretzel."
“Cauliflower is a cabbage with a college education.”
— Mark Twain
I like bowling.
Seriously, it’s right up my alley.
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