How did the beaver build the insides of a dam using logs? He logged in.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
What’s a llama’s favorite song?
Llama Chameleon.
How many volleyball referees do you need to screw in a light bulb? None because they are always in the dark.
Did you hear about the elf who was a little hard of hearing?
She had to keep saying "Sleigh, what?"
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
What do you call a connection between two points in space-time through which only dragons can pass?
A wyrmhole.
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time? You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a person who makes pots?
Harry Potter
The other day I told a joke about an armored vehicle with a rotating gun turret.
It tanked.
What do you call a turtle who takes up photography?
A snapping turtle.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
Why did Santa put a clock in his sleigh? He wanted to see time fly!
I’m not lion when I say you’re my mane.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ivan.
Ivan who?
Ivan to do something naughty with you.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
What was Julius Caesar's answer when the flooring installer asked what he wanted to do with the old floor boards?
Carpet dem.
Your name is insert name here?
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." – Phyllis Diller
What was the skeleton’s favorite Christmas candy?
Bone-bone.
If a lamb and tiger were crossed, you would end up with a striped sweater.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
Did you hear about the shoe factory that exploded?
Many soles were lost.
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
King Tut.
King Tut who?
King Tut-key fried chicken!
Why do men get their great ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
Why is Cinderella bad at soccer?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher that got killed by her students?
She couldn’t control her pupils.
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
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