How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
What happens when someone throws a rock at you? Rock bottom hits you.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
What a spud muffin.
An intrepid explorer named Petty,
Intended to capture a yeti.
But the yeti yelled, Freeze!
I’ve a gun—on your knees,
While my Dad gets the ring and confetti.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
Is it a sin that you stole my heart?
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were arguing over that glass of water, I drank it.
-Opportunist
Why did the skeleton go to church?
Because it didn’t have any organs.
What did the banker want from the baker?
To pump her nickels.
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
As two onions were crossing the road, one of them was run over by a car. Upon being rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed the other onion, "I have some news that is going to make you cry!"
Why did the blond enter the tennis courts naked?
Because the sign said tennis shoes only.
How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me?
What happened when Dr. Frankenstein swallowed some uranium?
He got atomic ache.
When you cross a magician and an airplane, the result is a flying sorcerer.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
Never going drinking with Train drivers again.
All they did all night was tell me to ‘chug,chug,chug,chug.’
When’s your birthday?
July 23rd.
What year?
Every year.
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
So you live in the seventh most populous city in France?
Must be Nice.
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
It’s so cold we have to put skates on just to move around the house.
What does Frosty the Snowman do to combat his worries about melting?
Take a chill pill!
What do you get when you cross a thought with a light bulb?
A bright idea.
“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”
- Hebrew Proverb.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
I wood never leaf you.
Why are fish so smart Because they swim in schools!
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
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