“Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?”
– Peg Bracken
My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel.
I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
What holds the sun up in the sky?
Sunbeams
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
“What brothers say to tease their sisters has nothing to do with what they really think of them.”—Esther Friesner
In Spain, you should not develop a program beyond 2.0.
Because that would be over dos.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Man: Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
Woman: No thanks, I don't like small talk.
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
What is the difference between a deer nut and a beer nut?
“A beer nut is often more than a buck but a deer nut is always under a buck.”
I love my furniture... Me and my recliner go way back.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
“Demanding something from a Scorpio is a sure way to not have it happen.”
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Q. Why was the stag thrown in the army brig?
A. Due to deer-eliction of duty.
Which car do sheep drive?
Su-baa-ru.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
Are you religious?
Because your prayers have just been answered.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
“Think of how stupid the average person is and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin
What did Snow White call her chicken?
Egg White.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
Did you hear about the vampire who only had one fang?
He just had to grin and bare it.
The tiger asked his longtime friend, "Will you be my tigerlfriend."
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
What do you call a crazy blood-sucking parasite?
A lunatick!
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
If a goat grows a beard, is it a goatee?
“If pessimism is despair, optimism is cowardice and stupidity. Is there any need to choose between them?”
- Francis Parker Yockey
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
I caught the chef sticking his hand in the cooking pot. He looked at me and said...
"I was just feeling a little chili."
Cube cheese is good, and slices are fine...
But personally I think shredded is grater.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
You snore like a bear,
But I’m still into you.
"Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once." - Dave Barry
I bought a wig for my wife, at a discount store...
Didn't want toupee full price.
What makes music on your head?
A headband.
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