Adolescence: A stage between infancy and adultery
Kevin Goldstein-Jackson
What do you call a horse that can't lose a race? Sherbet
What did the llama say when he was invited to the picnic?
Alpaca lunch.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
I can die happily now because I have just seen a piece of heaven.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
Why are pirates called pirates? Cause they arrrrr.
Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Today I donated my old basketball hoop to a school for the blind.
It will be missed.
Why did the monster call his werewolf “Frost”?
Because frost bites!
What did the man say after his boss threw cheese, milk, and creamer in his face? How dairy!
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
We should get some coffee because I'm liking you a latte.
What do you call it when a taco stands in your way ?
An obs-taco
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...
they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?"
The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."
My friend couldn't afford to pay his water bill.
So I sent him a “get well soon” card.
What do you tell a cheese going through a hard time?
Ricotta get through this.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck.
Crows prefer carrion, so their bags are never checked at the airport.
The graphic designer's present company gave her a substantial raise while a rival company also gave a similar offer. I am now caught in hue minds!
How can you tell which rabbits are getting old? Look for the grey hares.
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
What's green and wears a cape?
Super Pickle.
What did the turkey say before he was roasted?
“OK, spare me no insults!"
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
I got a handjob of a blind woman the other day. She said "Wow that's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand!"
I said "Come on you're just pulling my leg."
Q. How do you describe a deer joke with a screwed up punch line?
A. Bucked up.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can’t tunafish.
How can you tell that a zombie used to be a father?
By his dead bod.
I usually sing with a deep voice. But when I wash my hands,
I sing faucetto.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Why should you never mention the number 288?
Because it’s two gross.
What do you say to a pensive flower?
A peony for your thoughts?
What does a goat call his girlfriend?
Bae.
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
I bet we'd get into some serious Treble together.
You must be related to Alfred Nobel because baby you are dynamite!
Why did Dany stay home from the party? She wasn’t invited.
Why did Stalin only write in lower case?
he was afraid of capitalism.
“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution.”
- Hazel Nicholson.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
Oscar Wilde
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas."
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
Why did the turkey cross the road before Thanksgiving?
He was trying to give people the impression that he was a chicken.
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller
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