Shave a single shingle thin.
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.” – Robin Williams
What is the ideal marriage? One between a deaf man and a blind woman
Forget about watermelons, I heard having a windmelon your property is the best way to get clean and renewable electricity.
A worm child comes home. It sees mom and asks: "Mom, have you seen dad?"
Mom says: "Dad went fishing with the guys."
Just found out they make adult race car beds so I bought one.
That way I can be fast asleep.
What's the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phones home.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Yesterday’s weather forecast predicted freezing rain. However, it turned out to be quite an ice day.
“Hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil—and you’ll never get a job working for a tabloid.” – Phil Pastoreta consultant.” – Scott Adams
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art Dealer: "I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them."
Painter: "Wow! What's the bad news?"
Art Dealer: "He was your doctor."
What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? An offer you can't understand.
Mermaids always drink mermosas.
Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you,
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry:
Weed make a swell pear.
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Why can't you tell a joke while ice fishing? Because it'll crack you up!.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
Smokers Are Productive, But Death Cuts Efficiency
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
Charles Dickens might have given you Great Expectations, but I can meet them.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
Why did the police arrest the star? That’s becuase it was a shooting star.
When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.
I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.
During the medieval time period, there weren't many extremely bad people. There were only mid-evil people during that age.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Where do horses get their weaves from?
Mane.
Why can’t skeletons play church music?
Because they have no organs.
What do you call a dog that comes back from the dead?
A zom-beagle.
What do you call an electrically charged seal?
A seal ion.
You are spud-tacular.
Did you hear about the blonde who stayed up all night to see where the sun went? It finally dawned on her!
An elephant slept in his bunk,
And in slumber his chest rose and sunk.
But he snored — how he snored!
All the other beasts roared,
So his wife tied a knot in his trunk.
Our love, it has grown
Similar to your age
We have come so far
And have been through ups
And through downs.
Hopefully you can take
One more year of me being a clown.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
How was heaven when you left it?
The ghost was told off when he spook out of turn.
If you texted me every time I thought of you, you'd be blowing up my phone.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
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