I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.
What’s Thanos’ favorite app to talk to friends?
Snap chat.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
Where does a Knights templar keep his valuables?
A deus vult
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
“I just want to let you know that if you ever need to have a plant killed, I’m the person for that job.”
— Anonymous
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
Does anyone remember the joke about the sodium deposits? Na.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
I’ve always been a trucker, but recently I applied for a job at Microsoft. I’ve heard they’re always looking for more drivers.
Are your legs tired from spinning, or because you've been running through my mind all day?
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?
He achieved escape velocity.
From the moment I saw you, I knew I would be spending the rest of my life trying to avoid you.
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
There once was a man from Peru.
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up at night.
With a terrible fright.
To find out his dream had come true!
I was dating a keyboard but we had to break up...
...she just wasn't my type.
The winds of change started raining silver, copper, and gold coins.
You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
Did you hear that Mexicans created a machine that dispenses fish?
They call it a pez dispenser.
What do you call a goat swimming in the sea?
Billy Ocean.
What do you call a bulletproof Irish man?
Rick O’Shay.
When the heat turns down, we thieves gather in our secret hideout for a meeting.
We call it our Con Den session.
Half of Italy is complaining about the coronavirus and the other half is laughing not taking it seriously.
All they do is cheese and wine.
The walls in this tennis factory are so thin, that when I try to get some work done, all I hear is people making a racquet.
Chuck Norris won a 10 minute race after giving his competitors a 10 minute head start.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
"I'm happier than a seagull with a french fry"
What did one frog say.to the other?
Time's sure fun when you're having flies.
What do you call 2000 pounds of Chinese soup? Won Ton.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
I beg your garden?
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
I lost a cooking challenge once for not completing the dish.
I ran out of thyme.
How do you know that beer makes you smarter?
Because it made bud wiser.
In Italy there is a group pf moms creating soft cheese...
They brand themselves as MOMzarella.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
It’s crazy that Dubai doesn’t show The Flintstones on TV...
But Abu Dhabi Do!
“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams
Why did the computer leave the restroom crying?
It said, "it hurts when IP."
I'd be Lyon to myself if I said I thought we weren't meant to be.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
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