Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
Scientists have proven that cats have more hair on one side. Which side is it?
The outside.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know."
Why did the boy feel warm on his birthday?
Because people kept toasting him!
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
An executive reckless and bitter
Made a fool of himself via Twitter
"Please stop!" they entreated
But in answer he Tweeted
"If I do they'll call me a quitter!"
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
Why did the beaver refuse to laugh at any of the twig's jokes? He is not a big fan of dry humor.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
How do bats spend their time?
Flying and hanging out.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
What happens when you try to eat 5 candy bars at once? You're gonna choke alot.
My landlord asked me out on a date.
He said I should be out of the house by the 17th.
Why are parrots so good at imitations? They love parrot-y! (parody)
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
What did the skeleton order for lunch? Spare ribs!
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
Nice Skates... wanna puck?
Sorry, I can't play hide and seek. Someone like you is simply impossible to find.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
If I was an operating system, your process would have top priority.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
My fire tonight...
Was lit!
If your team loses the Souper Bowl, then be prepared for a lot of boouillons from your fans.
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
What does the ski bum do when the chairlift line is too long?
He's gondola top of the mountain.
Is it hard to count conifers? It’s as simple as one, two, tree!
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Hey, can I put you on my emergency contact list?
Permission to board?
What happened when the turkey got into a fight?
He got the stuffing knocked out of him!
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
Knock knock. Who's there?
You're.
You're who?
You're single again.
Call me Rudolph, because you just sleighed me.
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