"We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle."
- Winston Churchill
“The great advantage of living in a large family is that early lesson of life’s essential unfairness.”
- Nancy Mitford
One day, I carried my laptop to the zoo because I wanted a RAM upgrade so I would have lots of memory when I came back.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
I am struggling to carry with this hiking but your great glow has kept me going.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight? Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
What to give your favorite electrical engineer for his birthday?
Shorts.
I'm the pun King of Halloween.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
There are 2 unwritten rules for a successful marriage.
1: . 2: .
What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?
"I'M BREADY TO DIE"
Why are koala's so sleepy? Because you just got to be tired being so darn cute all day!
Which country do sheep go on vacation? The Baaa-hamas.
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
What kind of work do pigs do after school?
Hamwork.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
Dracula decided it was time to give his son "the talk"
Dracula: "You see, when two monsters love each other very much, they-"
Son: "They do the mash."
Dracula: *nodding* "They do the monster mash."
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
What's an prisoners favorite battery? Duracell Why are inmates so angry all the time? Cause they have bad cell service.
How can you tell if you’ve told a really funny Irish joke?
People will be Dublin over with laughter!
The only kind of Rock music that the Pilgrims were fond of was Plymouth Rock.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
The school teacher tells you to spit out your gum, while the locomotive says “Choo Choo Choo!”
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
Let's get drinks, cuz I wanna get into the holiday ~spirit~ with you.
What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
What do you call a cold dog?
A pup-sicle. Better steer clear, especially if he’s fur-ocious… don’t want him to give you frost-bite.
Why was the potato fired from his job at the football stadium?
He was a horrible commentater.
How do ghosts take their eggs? Terri-fried.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
What do you say to the musician playing the triangle in the orchestra?
Thank you for every ting.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
I don’t know what the trick is, but you certainly are a treat.
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
Once upon a time, there was a king who loved traveling through tunnels. The people gave him the name: Alex-Under."
We are mint to be.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
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