Why are cats bad at telling stories? Because they only have one tail!
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
The sun's favorite color is ultraviolet. Apparently, it glows with everything.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Otto.
Otto who?
Otto know. I’ve got amnesia.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
Ask for opinions.
Mull it over. Then you can.
Just do what you want.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
Why shouldn’t you let kids watch band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.
What does Santa bring naughty boys and girls on Christmas Eve? A pack of batteries with a note saying "toy not included".
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
I broke my spine in an accident last year. Had a life saving operation to fix my neck which permanently locked my head in place.
Since then I've never looked back.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
I’m a fraction – be my other half.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
What is it called when a tree has spine problems?
ScoliOAKsis.
"Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist should have his head examined." - Samuel Goldwyn
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
What do you do if you find a blue Ichthyosaur ? Cheer him up!
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
I know hundreds of Pi digits, but what I really want to know is the 7 digits of your phone number.
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
What did the chicken do when his shop caught on fire?
He egg-xited..
Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, “to whom.”
Why don't women blink during se*? There isn't enough time.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.
“It’s money. I remember it from when I was single” — Billy Crystal
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
If I had a talking parrot, the first thing I would teach it to say is "Help, they've turned me into a parrot!"
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
Why did the volleyball players line up from shortest to tallest? The coach wanted the team to switch from a 5-1 line up to a 6-2.
Baby, you rock my world!
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
Won't you wear my ring up around your neck
To tell the world I'm yours by heck!
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