If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
"My mom used to say it doesn’t matter how many kids you have… because one kid will take up 100% of your time so more kids can’t possibly take up more than 100% of your time." - Karen Brown
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Everyone is jealous of us
We make an awesome couple
Life with you seems perfect
Forever, I want to be in this bubble
Today I want to preach
Just one simply philosophy
That a handsome guy like you
Deserves a pretty girl like me
Happy birthday!
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
Why did the Pilgrims want to sail to America in the spring?
Because April showers bring Mayflowers!
"Isn't it appropriate that the month of the tax begins with April Fool's Day and ends with cries of 'May Day!'?"
- Rob Knauerhase
3 animals enter a bar. A lion, a tiger and a bear.
Oh my!
Where do brains go for vacation in Massachusetts?
Braintree, MA
I'm sorry did you say you drove the ski-doo, what's your ring size?
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
“Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.”
- Ed Asner.
I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What type of food do worms like?
Your Halloween Candy!
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?
I Scream Cake.
What does a deer do when it gets to its friend’s house?
Rings the deer bell.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
Prime-Mates!
“May your coffee be extra strong, and your Monday be extra short.”
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
Fry-Day.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Without you, I’d disintegrate.
Are you Charlotte Brönte? Because you're a breath of fresh Eyre.
Did you hear about the metamorphosis professor who just gave up on life? He really needed a change.
You had me at cello.
Don’t drop the ball – without you, the party will be incomplete.
What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
Forget Santa, you’re on my nice list.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
A few punny Wifi names you can use:
Wi-Fight the Inevitable
Chance the Router
The LAN Before Time
Silence of the LAN
I Believe Wi Can Fi
The Password is...
Click Here to Download
Get off my LAN
Router? I Hardly Knew Her
Definitely Not Wifi
Everyone loves my Halloween costume, but I still see room for improvement.
I guess I'm an ogre-achiever.
What do you get if you put an alligator in a blender?
Gatorade.
What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
There is a Giant Screwdriver attacking the city. Please seek shelter immediately. This is not a drill.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Q. How do you start a letter written to Sears Roebuck?
A. Deer Sirs..
What’s does a winged horse like to munch on?
Pe-grass-us.
The mountain got promoted because he was at the peak of his career!
I wish I was a pronoun so I could be the direct object of your affection!
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