After Jesus's trial was complete, he asked the Roman soldier closest to him what was going to happen next.
"I don't know. I'll keep you posted."

I over boiled some venison broth earlier.

It was deerly mist.

Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)

What did the elephant say to the naked man? "How do you breathe through that tiny thing?"

The baby strawberries were berry upset when they heard that both their parents were in the jam.

Are you Medusa? When you looked at me the world seem to stop.

What do you call an ant who doesn’t smell anymore?
Deodor-ant.

Why do girl ghosts go on diets? So they can keep their ghoulish figures.

Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.



A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!

In an attempt to deter computer hackers I've changed all my passwords to 'Brazil Nut'
That will be a hard one to crack.

Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
They never let anyone finish a sentence!

When the gladiators fought lions
it was always the mane event

Are you a girl scout because you tie my heart in knots.

I really have to force myself to get through this book on friction.

What do penguins sing at a birthday party?
Freeze a Jolly Good Fellow.

Where do dinosaurs get their mail ? At the dead-letter office!

Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him
So he tracked down nothing and killed it.

Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.

I'm going to get the numbers 1 through 30 tattooed up my arm.
That way people can always count on me.

What do ducks get after they eat?
A bill.

What do you call a fake Nokia? A phone-y of course.

I've been dying to go to Greece on vacation.
But all they serve is bar food.

I can tell what a woman drinks just by looking at her, and for you it's a diet coke.

What do you call a zombie door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer!

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!

I like kittens, YEAH!
They are really fluffy, YEAH!
OMG KITTENS.

What do you call a rock that never goes to school? A skipping stone!

What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.

What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.

Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!

Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.

What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.

Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.

Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.

"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."

You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.

My father is so cheap...
When we go to bed he unplugs the clocks.

What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common?
Men always miss them.

Why did the dairy farmer go on a diet? She wanted to cheddar a few pounds!

“Being part of a family means smiling for photos.” –Harry Morgan

What kind of elf lives in a soda can?
A Sprite!

Why does England always get attacked in the summer?
Because the Knights are shorter then.

Do you think that the mummies enjoyed being the mummies? Of corpse they did!

I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.

It’s time to think outside the pizza box.

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, 'Can you all see me now?' And they respond: 'Yes.' 'Oui.' 'Sí.' 'Ja.'