Due to bad weather, I won't be attending the Meteorology Convention.
I'm gonna take a rain-check.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
Honey! I know this can be a bit cheesy, but you will always have a big pizza my heart.
My pants might be in the wrong place but my heart is always in the right place.
A Ghost walks into a bar. No ones notices.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
It’s so cold it’s colder than any room packed with ex-wives.
I love you in the mornings.
You hold me tight and ask for five more minutes.
Then when it’s time to go, you don’t let go.
I start to stress and tell you to get dressed.
Dog socks,
Slippers,
Underwear,
Athletic shorts,
Polo shirt.
You are a sight to see.
But I love you most, in the mornings.
What's faster - lightning, light, or diarrhea?
Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.
Do you like yoga? Because yoganna love what I can offer you.
Why did the man eat the light bulb?
He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.
There was an Old Man of Whitehaven,
Who danced a quadrille with a raven;
But they said, 'It's absurd
To encourage this bird!'
So they smashed that Old Man of Whitehaven.
Yule be sorry.
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Why couldn’t the oak tree make friends? All of the other trees thought that he was a bit shady.
Why couldn’t the cat finish watching her movie? Because she had it on paws!
Harry asks his wife Harriet: "What would you like as a present for your birthday?"
Harriet looks at him sarcastically and yells "A divorce!" and then throws her head back and laughs.
Harry looks down wringing his hands, "I wasn't thinking of spending that much."
Why is the left cerebral cortex always wrong?
Because it was never in the rgiht.
What do you call a melon that commits a crime?
“A water-fellon!”
Sorry I took so long to call, I accidentally got lost in your eyes.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
A trip to Ireland always lifts my spirits.
The team’s star basketball player decided to remain at home the entire weekend. He didn’t want to be called out for travelling.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.
What do you do if a rabbit keeps pooping in your yard? Take him to a pellet court.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
"No eggs-cuses."
“People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well neither does bathing. That’s why we recommend it daily.” – Zig Ziglar
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
An atom loses an electron...
It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."
Naming a bridge after Chuck Norris is a really bad idea
Because no one crosses Chuck Norris.
I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
I read Reims of info before I got here, but nothing can prepare you for how beautiful this place is.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
When my great-grandad went bald, he built a machine to weave himself a wig out of yarn. He then gave it to my grandad, who then gave it to my dad - and one day, it will be mine.
It’s our family hair loom.
“Parenting is a constant battle between going to bed to catch up on some sleep or staying awake to finally get some alone time.” — Anonymous
Brother: "I saw a seahorse scuba diving"
Dad: "Wow that's amazing, I didn't realise they had the technology."
What do you call a zombie who stir-fries?
Dead Man Wokking
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