“I was just thinking, if it is really religion with these nudist colonies, they sure must turn atheists in the wintertime.”
– Will Rogers
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
There was an Old Man of th' Abruzzi,
So blind that he couldn't his foot see;
When they said, 'That's your toe,'
He replied, 'Is it so?'
That doubtful Old Man of th' Abruzzi.
After a long day at work, I feel like half a mythical creature...
Because I'm Dragon Ass.
I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...
He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.
“You should always live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so.”- Josh Billings
What do you call leftover aliens? Extra Terrestrials.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog? A Cat has nine lives but a Frog croaks every night!
What is a criminal group of kangaroos called?
A gangaroo.
Q: Why did no one like peach’s personality?
A: Because it had a heart of stone.
The librarian's office was on the A level. I asked for a book about submarines.
She told me to look below C level.
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
It's my ambition to see a great white shark before I die.
Just not RIGHT before I die.
How do mice celebrate when they move home? With a mouse warming party!
Is your tent erect yet or do you need help with that?
My colleague kept on missing deadlines, so I advised him not to bite off more than he can blue!
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
“Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow…somewhere else!”
How do you use an ancient Egyptian doorbell?
Toot-and-come-in.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
There’s something that I need to ask,
I’ve gotta know if it’s true,
Please tell me, are you an email?
Because I want to be attached to you!
What did the wife beaver say to her astronaut husband? You are otter this world.
“Old” is when the porn movie you bring home is “Debby Does Dialysis.”
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What are police cars made of?
Copper
What is the energy provider’s favorite dance? The electric slide.”
Q: How does an artist fill in a CV?
A: He draws on experience.
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
"Money doesn’t change you. It reveals who you are when you no longer have to be nice." ~ Tim Ferriss
I thought Happiness starts with H. But why does mine starts with U.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
Why did the pharaoh go to the dentist?
Egypt his tooth.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard your blood will bleed.
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