My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
There are five stages in the life of an actor: Who’s Mary Astor? … Get me Mary Astor… Get me a Mary Astor type… Get me a young Mary Astor… Who’s Mary Astor?
Mary Astor
What do pixies use to clean their teeth?
Fairy floss.
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm's never glum,
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?
(Taylor Russell)
Long time no sea.
“Education cost money. But then again so does ignorance.” – Sir Claus Moser
Something in a thirty-acre thermal thicket of thorns and thistles thumped and thundered threatening the three-D thoughts of Matthew the thug – although, theatrically, it was only the thirteen-thousand thistles and thorns through the underneath of his thigh that the thirty-year-old thug thought of that morning.
I just had a near-se* experience…
My whole wife flashed before my eyes.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Why did Italy surrender in WW2?
Because Italics aren't bold.
There was an Old Person of Ewell,
Who chiefly subsisted on gruel;
But to make it more nice
He inserted some mice,
Which refreshed that Old Person of Ewell.
Something in the way you move attracts me like no other
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side!
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Why can't a leopard hide? Because he's always spotted!
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
“Only married people can understand how you can be miserable and happy at the same time." —Chris Rock
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
“How is it possible to have a civil war?”
George Carlin
What did the mother brain say to her oldest child when it was bothering her youngest child?
It didn't want to get brain-washed.
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Why should you be careful not to insult a crocodile?
It may come back to bite you in the butt.
What does a penguin where to the beach?
An ice cap.
There was a Young Lady of Hull,
Who was chased by a virulent bull;
But she seized on a spade,
And called out, 'Who's afraid?'
Which distracted that virulent bull.
What if the earth was both round and flat?
Would it be called cylindearth?
My girlfriend said if I don't stop my obsession with Viking culture she'll fight me to the death.
"Jokes on you," I said. "If I die in battle, I'll go straight to Valhalla."
I phoned OK magazine the other day. They answered and said "Hello?", so I said "Sorry, wrong number," and hung up.
“How are you? ” “Well, I yam fried”
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Cutest clover in the patch.
“To like and dislike the same things, that is what makes a solid friendship.”
— Sallust
“Progress isn’t made by early risers. It’s made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something."
— Robert Heinlein
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