Is your name Pepsi? Because you sure are sizzling.
How do you make a glow worm happy? Cut off its tail and it will be de-lighted.
"Hard work is damn near as overrated as monogamy."
~ Huey Long
A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
Let's Taco about love.
Where are noses made?
At the olfactory.
What kind of money snowmen use in the North Pole?
Cold cash!
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
You make miso happy.
Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? Because it said 'concentrate'.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
"I always write “Wake Up” on my To-Do-List so I can at least accomplish one thing a day."
– Unknown
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
What do you get when you cross a Sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Pop music.
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
What did the bride say to her new husband at their wedding? - I love you so mush-groom!
The fact that I'm missing some teeth only means that there's more room for your tongue.
Now get out there and pick-up your boat race sweetie!
Chuck Norris has died.
He has since recovered from this mild inconvenience.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
“Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing.” - Natasha Leggero
Why did god invent men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
I’ve always wanted to be a farmer’s wife.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
I'm a sock cutter and I cut socks.
"How do you know if someone ran a marathon? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you."
Jimmy Fallon
The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain
Leaf me alone.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
My grandma is 80% Irish.
People call her Iris.
What is the color of the wind? Blew!
What do all French cars come with as standard?
A spare wheel of cheese.
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
Babe, are you a virus? 'Cause, you're having an effect on my whole body.
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
“I remember when yoga was called Twister.” – Unknown
Want to hear the best rock puns? Give me a moment and I'll dig something up!
What’s the link between turkeys and teddies?
Stuffing. Lots of stuffing.
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