“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”

- Patricia McCann

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

The ad said "Free Violin", but there were strings attached...

What did France, Great Britain, and their allies say after The Great War?
World War Won.

I got my COVID-19 vaccine from a "doctor" who approached me in a downtown alley after midnight, offering it for $50 cash.
It was a shot in the dark, but I took it.

What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops

- Hey, graduate student Minotaur, what are you up to today?
- Not much, just working on my Theseus.

What do you call a sick Egyptian?
Sir Cough-a-gus

Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.

A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.

Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.

Do you know what a beavers' favorite snack is? Wood chips.

“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English

How will a crow with a cold fever sound like? Caw-ph, Caw-ph.

Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.

What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!

Why do beavers make the best neighbors?
Because they mind their own dam business.

Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.

How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.

I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.

Wanna go out sometime? I think we’d have Avery fun time together

What do you call a big fish that makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.

After a day of entertaining the troops, the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders meet with the base commander to discuss the rest of the evening.
“Would you girls like to mess with the enlisted men or the officers this evening?” the commander asks.

“I don’t think it matters to the ladies,” the head cheerleader says, “but I’m sure a lot of the girls would like to get something to eat first.”

I tried to make my own condiments but, the recipes change so fast, it's hard to ketchup.

"A Parent’s Prayer"

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I’m pretty sure I’ll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet,
Far from the daily family riot.
May I lie back and not have to think
About what they’re stuffing down the sink,

Or who they’re with, or where they’re at
And what they’re doing to the cat.
I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)

To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish–dead!)
Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)

And that I need not cook or clean
(well heck, I’ve got the right to dream)
Yes, now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,

But as I look around I know,
I must have lost them long ago!

– David Axton

Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.

What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.

Cows that travel alone?

Never herd of them!

You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.

Why is grass so dangerous? Because it is full of blades!

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again. Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"

What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom.

Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.

What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.

Is Spotify down? Well the music in my house is now up. Wanna come by and listen to records?

Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.

What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.

Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.

You snow the drill.

What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.

“I am a very committed wife. And I should be committed, too—for being married so many times.” —Elizabeth Taylor

An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.

What is a Vikings favourite letter?
Well obviously it's the C!

Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!

Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!

Where do saplings go to learn?
Elementree school

Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.

What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.

How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"

What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation