How does a pirate communicate? With his aye phone.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
One day, a father was washing a car with his son...
The son asks, "why can't we just use a sponge?"
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
Are you the Count Dracula? When you stared at me, my heart stopped.
What did the gangster say to Julius Cesar?
How does a Ghost say good-bye? - I can’t wait to seance you again.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What's the tastiest part of a floppy disk?
The cookie!
What do zombies use to color their hair?
Dye of the dead!
There was an Ol Man of Quebec,
A beetle ran over his neck;
But he cried, 'With a needle,
I'll slay you, O beadle!'
That angry Old Man of Quebec.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
Was Just showing my dad my new living space. He asked “what’s upstairs?”
I Just responded with “dad, stairs don’t talk.”
Is that the Dog star? You can’t be Sirius!
What kind of shoes do mice wear? Squeakers.
What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied.
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
I’m stuck on you like igloo.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
What do a rabid rabbit and a basketball player have in common?
Mad hops.
I was working on my family history. Do you think it's too early to list you as a spouse?
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
What do you call a sarcastic mermaid?
A sigh-ren.
What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team? They drowned in Spring Training
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Why does everyone want ice cream to be on their team?
Because with them, anything is popsicle.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Promise you won’t Char-leave?
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
“Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.”
— Albert Einstein
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks: “Is this stool taken?”
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
God made me pretty.
What happened to you?
There was an Old Person of Buda,
Whose conduct grew ruder and ruder;
Till at last, with a hammer,
They silenced his clamour,
By smashing that Person of Buda.
I dropped my computer on my foot.
It mega-hurts.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
What do you call a turtle in a chef’s hat?
A slow cooker.
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
A man walks into a bar. “Ouch.”
Why would you Mary Shelley when you could marry me?
Are you an alarm clock? Because I want to kill you.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, “You guys should know your limits.”
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
I destroyed all the air conditioners at work and escaped.
Police are now charging me with a 'heat and run' incident.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
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