It's so cold that I’m drinking hot sauce instead of coffee.
Why is it cheap to feed polar bears?
Because they live on ice only.
What did the Gorilla say when he saw there was a sale happening?
Ooh! OOh! OOOh!!!!
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney? You are to little to smoke!
It's so cold that people look forward to getting a fever.
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Pasta!
Pasta who?
Italian chef who pasta away.
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.” - Phyllis Diller
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
I cannoli have eyes for you.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
If I were a transplant surgeon, I’d give you my heart.
Do you believe in love at first flight?
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man
... as they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
A ship load of red paint crashed into a ship load of blue paint. The crews were marooned.
Federal Agents raid gun shop, find weapons
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
Chuck Norris's computer has no "backspace" button, Chuck Norris doesn't make mistakes.
Where do flowers recharge? At a power plant!
My mom: son, why did I find "how to delete your history" in your history?
Me: because it was useless.
Did you hear about the weekly poker game with Vasco de Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson and Franciso Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
I showed up late to a cannibal party.
I got the cold shoulder.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him? Filthy rich.
here was a dog owner named Mark
Whose beagle would constantly bark
The neighbours would moan
They’d steal Benji’s bone
And toss it away in the park.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
I violated grammar rules, so I got punished with the death sentence.
Death.
"Instead of taking the pants off the taxpayer it might be better to take the vest off the vested interests."
— Mark Twain
We’re a perfect mash.
What do you call a Mongolian leader who got struck by lightning
Shocka Khan.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense when you hear them consider saying ‘that smells good’ to be helping.” —Jimmy Fallon
I was going to shave my face but my razor was blunt.
It said, "You look ugly without a beard."
What do you call a cow that plays the saxophone? A blues moo-sician.
“You’re my soul Santa.”
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
Well, you have to hand it to relay runners, don't you?
It’s the most wonderful time for a beer.
What did the vegan wear to the beach?
A zucchini!
Why did the two 4’s skip lunch?
They already 8!
Baby, the Millennium Falcon isn't the only thing that does it in less than 12 parsecs.
What pet makes the loudest noise? A trum-pet!
Who does a fish call when his piano breaks?
The piano tuna!
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