Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again?
The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together.
It was toucan fusing.
Which sea creature gives the best hugs?
A cuttlefish
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
There was a kidnapping at school yesterday. Don’t worry, though - she woke up.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Hey, Are you made of candy? Because you look sooo sweet!
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
How does every Irish joke start?
By looking over your shoulder.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for icecream!
Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
I’m feelin’ green.
This is snow laughing matter!
Did you hear about the misbehaving unicorn? Sure, but I never though that these creatures could get so horny.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Because it was so foggy at my father’s funeral, he was buried in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mist-stake.
“When a fellow says it ain’t the money but the principle of the thing, it’s the money.” – Artemus Ward
Did you hear about the generous and kind deer? She had a hart of gold!
Are you a musician? Because you make my heart go staccato.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
It’s not. Numbers aren’t sentient and are therefore incapable of feeling fear.
Never argue with Pi, it's irrational.
What did the deer say to her friend when she needed assistance?
“Could you doe me a favour?”
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
What did one deoxygenated blood cell say to the other?
We're all in vain.
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
The other day a man tried to mug me with a blunt knife...
It was pointless.
What do you call a pig who can’t mind his own business?
A nosey porker!
Did you here about the croc with a serious drug addiction?
It was a crackodile.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
Why did the Dragon Cross the Road?
He wanted to eat some chicken.
Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? That's because there are more geese in that line.
Are you that one more chapter? You keep me awake most of the time.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.”
- Albert Einstein
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
What do you call it when a beautiful woman tries to trick you into giving her a pig?
A bae con.
How did the dog learn to read the hieroglyphics? Because it was an egypt-chien.
Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
Why shouldn't you marry a tennis player? Because love means nothing to them.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite musician?
Mozart-arella.
What do you call a solar powered keyboard?
A photosynthesiser
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
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