Can you can a can as a canner can can a can?
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Why are wintertime fortune tellers so reliable?
They can see what is mitten in the stars.
How do turtles communicate with each other?
With shell phones.
My Spotify sucks. It showed me the hottest singles, and missed you out!
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
What do you call an ant who joins the army?
Milit-ant.
Why was the dog such a good storyteller?
Because he knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
What's the mating call of the blonde? "I'm sooooo drunk!"
Black ice isn't the only thing I'm falling for.
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,
but only to the teeth.
I would love climbing to the peak of Mount Everest, but I do not see the point.
I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?
“Some family trees bear an enormous crop of nuts.”—Wayne Huizenga
Snow thank you.
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
I love taking pictures of myself next to boiling kettles.
My friend reckons I have selfie steam issues
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
“On our 6 a.m. walk, my daughter asked where the moon goes each morning. I let her know it’s in heaven, visiting Daddy’s freedom.” – Ryan Reynolds
How can you tell that it’s Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?
Because he has sesame seed buns.
How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
The best holiday for you to go bowling is thanksgiving because you will get turkeys.
I had a nightmare about being attacked by a shark.
When I woke up I realized it was just a bream.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
"Unsatisfied Yearning"
Down in the silent hallway
Scampers the dog about,
And whines, and barks, and scratches,
In order to get out.
Once in the glittering starlight.
He straightway doth begin.
To set up a doleful howling.
In order to get in.
– R.K. Munkittrick
Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
To get away from the noise.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
I was asked why I love to clean lemon juice from windows, to which I replied
“It’s easy peasy lemon squeegee.”
"Have a hoppy Easter."
Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?
She’s definitely plotting something.
The color turquoise was judged as the best new color because it was cyantifically proven to be.
They say this stuff makes clothes really soft. Want to come over and have a feel?
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
What is a dog’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.” - Steven Wright
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“Hiking—much like drinking—is something that sounds more fun to the uninitiated than it actually is.” – Mindy McGinnis
I switched labels in my wife's spice cabinet.
She hasn't noticed, but the thyme is cumin.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
Roses are red
And you gotta go
Because I found out
That you is a ho.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
I only have ice for you!
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." —Fran Lebowitz
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
What is a ghost’s favorite carnival ride? The rollerghoster.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
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