“In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this.”
- Terry Pratchett.
“Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.” —Kevin James
Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.
Why are cats such great singers? Because they’re very mewsical
Not a lot of people know this about me, but I'm from ancient Egypt...
Those that do know call me a mummies boy.
Love me do
There are two skeleton teachers at school. One is humerus, but the other is very sternum.
I tried playing baseball in the fog today.
It was a bit hit and mist.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Did you guys know that dolphins attack seals for sport?
It's almost like they do it on porpoise.
Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa exactly what I want for Christmas?
Girl: Want to see a magic trick?
Boyfriend: Sure.
Girl: Poof you're single.
"What did the carrot say to the wheat?
Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet."
- Shel Silverstein
We did not understand what the mother turtle was saying because it was all in ridleys.
Did you see the guy with quad-arms play tennis? He has a great four-hand.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”- Erik Satie
Why do piglets take home economics in school? To learn how to sow.
What do you call a dinosaur who is elected to Congress? Rep. Tile!
I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19......
I hear he just ran out of santa-tizer.
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
“If only God would give me a clear sign, like making a large deposit in my swiss bank account." ~ Woody Allen
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
Q: How do you store water?
A: Cloud storage.
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
I know why Solomon had 600 wives, because he never found you.
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." - Dennis Wolfberg
I was trying to think of a good pun for your name, but I can’t think of Jack
I’m soy into you.
“We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us."
~ Anonymous
I felt so guilty after I stepped on that worm this morning. You should have seen it, it looked genuinely crushed.
Can I get your number? Because I like you a latte.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
What did the nectarine boxer say to his opponent? "You want a peach of me?"
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
"True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." Mindy Kaling
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, I would spend every second today thinking about you.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton
What do you call a serial killer on acid?
Jack the tripper.
I gave my dad a mug for his birthday
It said "World's greatest dad". When I gave it to him he looked kind of insulted. Is something wrong with it I asked? He replied, "You spelled 'dad' backwards"
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.
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