My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
A little girl is having a tea party with her teddy bear.
"Would you like anything to eat Mr. Bear?" she asks.
"No thanks, I'm stuffed."
My wife and I went to a turtle pun class yesterday.
It tortoise nothing.
The sun is up. The sky is blue. It's beautiful and so are you.
My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Why did the computer crash?
It had a bad driver!
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.
Older women to her friend about remarrying, “When I pass away I want my husband to be so upset he has to drop out of college.”
What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I really lava you!
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank...
Was a monster!
I must be a Snowflake, because I’ve fallen for you.
What do you call a gangsta snowman? Froze-T
What did the worm say to his friend when he got stuck in pumpkin?
Worm your way out of that one!
Where does a 2,000 pound gorilla sit?
Anywhere it wants to.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
My boss fired me.
"Why?" I asked.
He said, "You always question authority."
"How?"
Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?
Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
If your girlfriend/wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it's a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
If I was a planet and you, my moon! I’d stop spinning just by looking at you.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
I was trying to reshape the border of my backyard when my neighbors' fence fell over...
Wrong post.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
“I talked to a wild group last night. I knew it the minute someone yelled ‘Louder!’ during the silent meditation. – Robert Orben”
Why is the air conditioner repairman the life of the party?
It’s not cool until he arrives.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
If I had a dollar for every time I was planning to go on a diet, I’d be able to buy a treadmill I’d never use.
I can remember where I got married.
I can remember when I got married.
I just can’t remember why.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
A gnome walks into a bar, and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other. After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night. The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home. He turns to the bartender and says, "Sorry, I'm a little short."
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
"My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something."
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
When you swat a mosquito on your arm
Its death is in vein.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
Why Do News Channels love April Fools Day?
Because it's socially acceptable to do what they already do every day of the year.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
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