“Hiking is just walking where it’s okay to pee.” – Demetri Martin

I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.

This autumn, the garden told the mower to leaf him alone in peace.

What do you call monkeys who share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.

I was kidnapped by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.

You’re just like how I like my potatoes — sweet.

If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!

How was heaven when you left it?

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart

Look for a rainbow connection.

Dealers Will Hear Car Talk At Noon

Q. What do you call gorillaS who just monkey around at the gym?
A. Buff-oons

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.

I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.

What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...

What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.

What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher

How come Crabs never share with their friends?
Because they're Shellfish.

Hi there, I heard you were looking for something locally grown? How about some organic and 100% locally grown companion?

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?
Anna1, Anna2

You’re giving me torticollis by the way you’re making my head turn.

My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.

Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.

Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.

Bagels and baguettes
Bap or fried bake,
The fruits of the flour
are easy to make

Chollah, chapatti,
Cinnamon bun.
These global delights,
make eating such fun.

Filled with Caribbean sweet meat
like Guava jam,
Scottish smoked salmon;
Or Danish roast ham.

Add a fresh fruit salad,
Some sparkling wine,
A candle, red roses and
you’re ready to dine.

(Joanna Davis)

"Standing next to you makes me feel better about myself."
- 30 Rock

I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business

You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.

Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.

Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”

A homicide detective walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Hey look at those birds outside," the bartender comments to him. "Did you know that a group of crows like that is called a murder?"
"Well you can't be sure that's a murder," the detective says. "Unless there is probable caws."

"If you can survive 11 days in cramped quarters with a friend and come out laughing, your friendship is the real deal."
— Oprah Winfrey

What is it called when a cat wins a dog show? A CAT-HAS-TROPHY! How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogey in it!

"You crack me up."

Join me today, because I am in it for the long run when it comes to love.

You should go in the water, cuz you're so hot you're on fire!

Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!

Where do dolphin races end?
Dolphinish line!

"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."

Don't add honey to your tea. You are already sweet enough!

A cable TV installer walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."

How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.

Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.

A man gets up and heads off to work despondent that not one member of his family has wished him Happy Birthday. What an ungrateful lot he thinks.

When he gets to work his attractive secretary asks him what’s wrong and he explains.
“Why don’t I take you out to lunch to cheer you up,” she says.

After a lovely lunch and a couple of glasses of champagne, she says do you mind if we drop into my apartment on the way home.

Interested, he replies, ”Sure!”

At her apartment she smiles, fixes him a drink, and then says, “I just have to slip into the bedroom for a minute.”
In a moment she’s back with a birthday cake, his family and all his friends.

And there’s him lying naked on the couch.

"ah..." he says. "Surprise?"

Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.

“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.”
– Dave Barry