There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Dewey.
Dewey who?
Dewey have to use a condom?
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Why do Ghosts make such good company? They are full of spirit.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Why couldn't the boy run away with the farmer's daughter?
They were cantaloupe farmers.
What did Tom get when he locked Jerry in the freezer? Mice cubes!
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There was a team member bar tending who could serve spiked drinks.
Did you hear the score in the game between the ocean and the beach? It’s tide.
Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.
Did you hear about the dangerous alcoholic who consumed his booze from a sizzling Chinese frying pan?
He liked to drink risky on the woks
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
What do you call a fake Irish stone?
A shamrock.
Hey baby, wanna violate the Pauli Exclusion Principle with me?
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
A Peruvian pervert named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine,
A boy is divine,
But a llama is numero uno!"
“Imagine if fire extinguishers were full of snow. Imagine the fun we could have.”
– Neil Hilborn
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
A mosquito asks for a date: "I'd like to take you out to suck blood on someones leg"
She says "I don't know, I feel like I'm going out on a limb here."
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
Why did the artist have to go to the bathroom right away? Because when you gotta Van Gogh, you gotta Van Gogh.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
Q: What does a tiger call an antelope?
A: Fast food.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillowcases? Their making headlines...
What is it called when an IT person gets surgery on their fingers?
Tech knuckle support.
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
"Laughing 'til I'm coffin."
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Did you hear about the birds of prey on black Friday?
It was a free for owl.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
How do you get rid of a witch’s hex?
Draw a hex-a-gone.
"Arithmetic"
Two wrongs don’t make a right.
So says my teacher, Mr. Brill.
Two wrongs don’t make a right, say I.
But maybe four wrongs will.
– Judith Viorst
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
The only way bees can fly right through the rain is when they have their yellow jackets on.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A flat minor.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
Are you a fermata? Because I want to hold you.
What do you call a man who is too big for an alligator to eat?
A jawbreaker.
Sip, sip, horray!
What do you call someone who rips up books?
A tear-orist.
What kind of process is Marriage? A process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
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