If Hamlet was alive now, he would have only worn t-shirts saying 2B or not 2B!
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
What do witches put on their hair? Scare spray.
Could I get your number so I can take you out to dinner Anna movie?
I just landed a job at a local Asian restaurant.
All I had to do was wok in for my interview!
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
I was washing the dishes today and got so frustrated I screamed into a collander.
I think I strained my voice.
Why can't you tell dogs a knock knock joke?
Because they immediately start barking.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
In what country is Thanksgiving ironically not celebrated? Turkey.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
Why are horses so good at the shooting range?
They’re hunters.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.
Why are seabirds so lucky in love?
Because one good tern always deserves another.
I'm starting a death metal band for people with Celiac's Disease
We're called "Gluten for Punishment."
Why did the teacher use the evolution of Thor in viking mythology to teach both literature and Northern European history in her class?
She wanted to demonstrate using a Meta-Thor.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, ‘Well, that’s not going to happen.
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
How many prison guards does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None they just beat the room for being black.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What did the Austrian skier yell when he sprained his ankle?
“Alp!”
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
What day to eggs hate the most?
Fry-day.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me.
What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.
Mary didn’t miss a first serve the entire match. It was not her fault she lost.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Where do sperm play football?
In a con-dome.
Why did the owl 'owl?
Because the Woodpecker would peck 'er.
Which bat can hang the highest and longest?
The acro-bat.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
My wife and I got married under a cell phone tower.
The ceremony wasn't great, but the reception was perfect.
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
A musician told me he was going to hit me with the neck of his guitar.
I replied, “Is that a fret?”
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Scissors sizzle, thistles sizzle.
What always goes up whenever the rain comes down? An umbrella.
Son: Father can you tell me what a solar eclipse is? Father: No sun.
What are mammoles?
Four-legged ani-moles
There once was a fly on the wall,
I wonder why didn't it fall.
Because its feet stuck,
Or was it just luck,
Or does gravity miss things so small?
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
Q. Where do lady gorillas go for a wild weekend night out?
A. Chimpendale's.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
If you want to ask someone to borrow their peas, you have to say pea-lease.
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