I had a friend who got a Ph.D. in the history of Palindromes. He is now called Dr. Awkward.
How did Henry VIII like his coffee? Decap.
A saber tooth tiger would never blow anything up.
But a dino might.
I’m not a photographer, but I can definitely picture your number on my phone.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
Scientists have recently discovered a rare new element called Beautium. It looks like you are made of it.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw. Who makes the best prehistoric reptile clothes ? A dino-sewer.
I have no idea how to raise chickens.
I think I’ll just wing it.
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
I don't think there's anything hotter than chocolate but hey! There you are in front of me.
I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
Wanna have a bath with me.. you can play with my rubber dickie.
When's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child.
Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki.
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Breaking a leg during an audition...
Ensures that you end up in the cast.
Love me till ice cream.
People often accuse me of “stealing other’s jokes” and being “a plagiarist.”
Their words, not mine.
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Because they wouldn't take a bath!
Guy: "Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?"
Girl: "No, but I did scrape my knees a couple times crawling up from hell."
What do you call hell for potheads?
Canabyss.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
My friend called and said he was sick of his fireplace exhaust vent...
Sounds like another case of the flue.
What do you say when you see a stunned ghostbuster catch a ghoul?
He's a little confused but he's got the spirit.
"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." Garry Shandling
What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!
How is bacon like southern Europe?
It's got a lot of Greece in it.
What did the husband say when his wife told him he bought the wrong flowers?
"Oopsie daisy!"
Call me miles because I want you to complete me every round.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
Did you get lost on your run? Because heaven is a long way from here.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears. Looking back, it was obvious.
He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
Why is it so hard to contact a pirate? He leaves his phone off the hooks.
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