Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
I use a crow to wake me up in the morning.
There’s caws for alarm.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
Who needs a sled when you can just ride me?
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
I must be the sun, and you must be earth, cause the closer we get, the hotter you become.
What distinction does OJ hold in jail? He's the first inmate with a retired number.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
“Mondays are a lot like getting fat. They make you feel sad, sometimes angry and there is not much scope for liking either fat or Mondays for any reason.”
– Garry Moll
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
In the magazine polls held this fall, Autumn was declared as the cutest season because it's awwwtumn!
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, "Euripides?" The professor replies, "Yes. Eumenides?"
What did the bunny say to its crush? Hey there hop stuff.
HIJKLMNO is the formula for water
H to O.
What happens when a duck flies upside down?
It quacks up.
I came to a fork in the road.
I proceeded to pick it up.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” – Lee Trevino
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said “I’m confused,” I’d be thinking “where the heck did all these nickels come from?”
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
"Time to wine down."
It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar. It's a 30 minute walk from the bar to my house.
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
What did the retired pirate say when he went to the beach?
Long time no sea.
Are you a Gingersnap/Eggnog Latte? Because I want to bring you home for the holiday.
Mr. and Mrs. Apostrophe are divorcing....
He found her to be possessive- and she hated his contractions. The marriage felt like a sentence
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no-body to go with.
My dog won’t get off the PlayStation He’s been playing Fi-fur all day.
The anti-vax basketball team lost every game this season
Apparently they never take any shots.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
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I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
The cheap baker only paid his employees a flourly rate. Cheapskate!
Roses are red,
The earth is wide,
You’d look much better,
With me by your side.
If you ever need directions, call for a navi-gator.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Did you hear about the short-sighted frog?
He had to go to the Hopthalmologist.
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
This very fair weather actually makes me feel like a feather!
2000 years ago, pop diva Lady Cleopatra had a smash hit: "Bad Romans."
My wife is so negative. I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag. Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
I think you just tripped me, 'cause I just fell for you.
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