“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
Are you a banana because I find you a peeling.
Lesser leather never weathered wetter weather better
What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A car only has one horn.
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
My funny guy, when I look at you,
Making faces, as you do,
To make me giggle, and keep me happy,
When I’m feeling down or sad or cr****,
I see someone who’s man enough
To just be silly, instead of tough
To give me gladness, bliss and joy,
That’s my man; that’s my big boy.
Happy birthday to the man
Who makes me laugh, because he can.
I almost got in trouble because I tried to talk to someone in the same room as me over the phone...
...It was a close call.
What did the fawn say to warn her friend about the haunted house?
“Don’t go deer!”
Why’d you dress up as a princess, when you could have simply come in plain clothes as the most beautiful girl at the Halloween party?
Fir sure.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
What did Dr. Frankenstein say when Pinocchio’s nose grew?
"IT’S A LIEEEEE!!"
A ship wanted to travel from the Pacific to the Arctic
But it just couldn't get its Bering Strait.
What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
I was worried you’d just be a pretty face, but Olivia looks real good to me
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
I'm currently dating a famous soccer player. He's so loving and caring towards me.
He's a keeper.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
“What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.”
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
There is a Young Lady whose nose
Continually prospers and grows;
When it grew out of sight,
she exclaimed in a fright,
"Oh! Farewell to the end of my nose!"
You must be a fourth or a fifth, because you're just perfect!
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
What is the maggot army called? The Apple Corps.
The Truth About The Beatles:
John was the brain.
Paul was the heart.
George was the spirit,
and Ringo was the drummer.
Take a pitcher. It'll last longer.
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
I’m soy
into you.
"Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist."
"Who?"
"Everyone."
What do you call a very rude bird?
A mockingbird!
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
Why shouldn’t you tell secrets in a cornfield?
There are too many ears.
Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
“Becoming a mom to me means that you have accepted that for the next 16 years of your life, you will have a sticky purse.”
- Nia Vardalos.
Why did the bunny say to the duck? You quack me up!
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
What do you call a row of 5 tow trucks?
A foot.
Did you know the first weather report was delivered to Julius Caesar?
Hail Caesar
You're my romeboy.
What do you call a sheep with no head and no legs? A cloud!
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