I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
I went deep sea diving and a mollusk wanted to give me a hug!
Damn cuddlefish.
Someone took all my straw
What a Hay-nous act!
What did one bread say to another after a long day? Don’t worry because tomorrow will be butter.
What do you call a knight who just wants to fight with an opponent on level grounds? He is called Sir Face!
What did the zero say to the eight?
Nice belt!
I just had to tell you. Your beauty made me truly appreciate being able to see.
“Always respect Mother Nature. Especially when she weighs 400 pounds and is guarding her baby.”
- James Rollins.
Was going to change my password to MilkyTea but apparently that's too weak.
Their soccer team and the US navy had one thing in common, they both spent over $50 million on a sub.
Ticket inspectors. You’ve got to hand it to them…
What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
When I proposed to my fiancee, she started crying. It must be because I proposed to her with an onion ring.
I asked my husband to please press pause on the movie We were watching.
He called the dog over for the task, wanted to press his paws.
Your lab or my lab?
Love the beach. Can I be any more Pacific?
"Bee"
A bee comes tapping at my screen,
Buzzing, bumping, sounding mean.
Bouncing, pushing, acting wired,
With no thought of getting tired.
¨I could say, “Dear bee, what is it?
Would you like to come and visit?”
But I feel his anger’s keen.
So I’m glad I have a screen!
– Denise Rodgers
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
Why did the wife divorce the baker?
Because he was much too kneady.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
I feel an attraction between the two of us that is more than just our physical gravitation.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
What is a giraffe’s favorite fruit?
Necktarines.
Need a cart? No? How about a girlfriend?
Why don’t most restaurants serve giraffe?
Because it’s a tall order.
I feel like I'm in Scandinavia, because when I'm with you it's like the sun never sets.
Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
Why do so few vegetarians become competitive swimmers?
They don’t like the swim meats!
My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.” —Rod Stewart
If a star fell every time I thought of you, the sky would be dark at night.
I have no shelf control.
What do you call a Sith Lord who likes to go fishing? Darth Wader.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
What did the mother broom say to the baby broom?
Go to sweep, dear.
I whale always love you.
“Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.”
– Joyce Armor.
Why couldn’t the equestrian find the carrots? They were down by the bay.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
I went to the chemist today and asked the assistant "what kills the Corona Virus?"
She replied to me "Ammonia Cleaner"
I said "Oh, I am sorry, I thought you worked here."
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