"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." - Rodney Dangerfield
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What’s a whale’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships.
Composers always score.
You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.
What did the Egyptian Pharaoh do when he got caught in traffic?
ANKH ANKH!!
Which Habs great once worked as a janitor? Broom-Broom Geoffrion.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.
“Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
What should you do if a car is annoying you.
Give the car a head rest.
Do you know which aisle the edible underwear is in? Oh, wait, wrong store!
"I've always enjoyed poor health." —Taylor Caldwell
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
Let me count the ways I love you.
First you bring me flowers, then a mug of tea,
you let me see my favorite shows no need to even plea.
I can tell you love me it is plain to see
just like that pimple just behind your knee.
A couple was in the forest painting on fallen trees.
They were following their counsellor’s orders to have a meaningful dye-a-log.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
“If you think about a Thanksgiving dinner, it’s really like making a large chicken.” —Ina Garten
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
I really can't finish a box of strawberries all by myself, Would you like to share with me over some wine?
What do you call an evil cow?
De-mooooon.
What do you call a dinosaur that eats fireworks? A dino-mite
Why do you get less caviar out of a fish with nieces and nephews?
Because it's in a fish aunt.
I was cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and my wife said, “These potatoes are burnt to a crisp!”
I said, “It’s for tomorrow.”
Her: Huh?
Me: Tomorrow is Black Fry day.
When hydrogen got arrested they told him he had one phone call.
He replied: "Call who? I don't have a family!"
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
When the storm begun, the garden party became a bit disorganized and food service was turned to a frost come frost served.
Why did they take Polly away?
He went crackers!
What do you say when the beach asks you to walk on it?
Shore
When is a car like a frog?
When it's being toad.
Having been thrown out of cartoon art school, he was in suspended animation.
Let's procreate like the snakes in the Narcisse Dens.
What's yellow and black and yellow and black and yellow and black?
A wasp rolling down a hill.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Eva.
Eva who?
Eva been asked out via knock knock joke before…?
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
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