Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says, "Can I have a glass of H2O?" The second chemist says, "Can I have a glass of water, too?" The first chemist breaks down in tears — his assassination attempt has failed.
(He didn't say H2O2)
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
My wife, whilst trying to brush my son's hair, told him he was having a bad hair day.
My son replied, "Oh, is it being knotty?"
“Having kids makes you look stable to the people who thought you were crazy and crazy to the people who thought you were stable.” – Kelly Oxford
“For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.” —Andy Borowitz
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?
Give me my quarter back.
Don’t give into beer pressure.
Do you want to share some valence electrons? This way, we can have a stable relationship.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
“One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.” — Bertrand Russell
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Take a page from the book and leaf.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
My friend over there really wants your number so he knows where to get a hold of me in the morning.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
What did one sea monster say to the other sea monster when they started their new jobs as sewer inspectors?
- It’s going to be a Nessie job, but let’s get Kraken!
That Marchesa dress looks great on you...as a matter of fact, so would I.
"Snowball"
I made myself a snowball
As perfect as could be.
I thought I’d keep it as a pet
And let it sleep with me.
I made it some pajamas
And a pillow for its head.
Then last night it ran away,
But first, it wet the bed.
– Shel Silverstein
How did Frankenstein know Jesus was coming for a visit?
He used his frankincense.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
October, November, cool, cooold, cooooooldest, March, April.
She acts like summer and walks like rain.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
"I don't bite, you know... unless it's called for."
- Audrey Hepburn, Charade (1963)
You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
What do you call a duck with fangs?
Quackula.
Are there any funny red wine puns at BabaMail Jokes?
You bet Shiraz there are!
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns!
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Q: What happened to the peach who went to meet the knife?
A: He came back in many peaches.
Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
I once knew a man who lived in a jar.
For a stranger sight you’d have to go far.
I asked him once why he lived in a jar.
He grimaced and said, how bizarre you are.
My jar’s so cozy, warm and bright,
Even in the full moonlight.
The only drawback is, you see,
Getting out quickly when I have to pee.
(Irwin Mercer)
Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.
“The worst moment today has happened. That was when the alarm went off and I realized it was Monday.”
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