What was Michael Jackson's favorite Spanish food?
Jamon!
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
“Like all parents, my husband and I just do the best we can, and hold our breath, and hope we’ve set aside enough money to pay for our kids’ therapy.”
—Michelle Pfeiffer
Are you a fortune cookie?
Because you're always wrong.
Two Dragons walk into a bar.
1st dragon: It's hot in here
2nd dragon: Shut your mouth.
What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sing along with the elevator music.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
No wonder the sky is gray- all the color is in your eyes.
“I figured out why Uncle Sam wears such a tall hat. It comes in handy when he passes it around.”
— Soupy Sales
Why is there no Aspirin in the rain forest?
Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to try to sell pharmaceuticals in the vastly unpopulated rain forest.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B?
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
Are you a ghost? Because you’ve been haunting my dreams.
I’m no James Monroe, but I can give you an Era of Good Feelings.
I saw a beaver and I thought it was odd. Then I saw another semiaquatic creature and I thought it was otter.
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
"Once the travel bug bites there is no known antitode, and I know that I shall be happily infected until the end of my life."
- Michael Palin
Did you hear ISIS is spreading to Italy?
Nobody's concerned though, since it's just Italian ISIS and they're delicious. Especially cherry flavor.
On the other hand, the Bible contains much that is relevant today, like Noah taking 40 days to find a place to park. -- Curtis McDougall
I was on a flight and I asked for a glass of water. The cabin crew asked “still?” I said “well, I haven’t changed my mind”.
Why did the two slices of bread disappear in the middle of the night? They wanted to e-loaf together.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
Robin Williams
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
I tried to start a soccer club so I put up some posters on a local bulletin board.
Just to get the ball rolling.
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"
She said "I'm having a light snack."
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
What do you call a penguin in the desert?
Lost!
“In LA we get coyotes in our garbage cans. Coyotes are just like my relatives. They go out in pairs, they whine at night, and they go anywhere there’s food."
- Billy Crystal
Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!”
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
Why do owls make such bad baseball players?
Their hits are always fowl.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
The square root of all my fantasies is you.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tex.
Tex who?
Tex two to tango.
Went on a diving trip with strangers and found a sunken vessel. We're all pitching in to salvage and rebuild it.
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friend-ship.
What do you call a baby tree struck by lightning?
A zapling.
It may seem a bit corny but we appreciate you working your tail off for us.
Where are neurons put in jail when they commit a crime?
A nerve cell.
What do you call an 'O' on fire?
Flamingo.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
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