Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Mount Gilead.

“A messy house is a must—it separates your true friends from other friends. Real friends are there to visit you not your house!”
— Jennifer Wilson

What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.

How many times do I have to walk around you to make you fall for me?

“Three rebels against the light: the thief, the adulterer, and the bat.”

- Hebrew Proverb.

To me, you’re just like hydrogen because you’re number 1!

Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!

What do you call the new girl at the bank? The Nutella!

What does a chocolate crow say? “Cacao!”

Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.

What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.

What the difference between you and a calendar? a calendar has dates.

How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!

What weighs more: a pound of logs or a pound of leaves? They weigh the same.

I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!

Jonathan Swift
If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.

I telephoned the tennis star Serena Williams for an interview and asked her, “What’s your favourite planet?”
Her: It’s Venus.

Me: Sorry Venus, would you put Serena on the phone?

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

You must have been born in Pearl Harbor, because baby you da bomb.

How do trains eat?
They chew chew.

Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!

I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.

What did the snowman ask the other snowman?
Do you smell carrots?

How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
He could feel it in his bones.

Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!

I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!
When she asked why I responded “you’ll get salmon-Ella!”

What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!

Jim ordered a racehorse online
A thoroughbred sold in it's prime.
Now just for a laugh
They sent a giraffe
But it wins by a neck every time.

(Ray Gridley)

You Eliza-bet I’m asking you out right away

Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.

What do you call a fish that floats on the surface?
Bob.

I think you’re dandelion.

“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles

What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”

Hey, I found you! You are the girl of my dreams.

My heart rate’s always higher when I hike with you.

“Hey barista, how much for a cup of coffee?” says a customer.
“Two dollars,” replies the barista, “and refills are free.”
“Great. Then I’ll have a refill,” answers the customer.

What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her

You know I'm da man you been wading for.

What is a beaver's most favorite drama series ever? Riverdale.

Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!

How do you stay warm in any room?
Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.

Why did Frankenstein’s monster give up boxing?
Because he didn’t want to spoil his looks.

What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.

Where does a brain go on vacation?
To a hippo camp us.

Hey girl, did you know I'm a cashier?
Because I'm totally checking you out.

Please Mr.Postman deliver to my heart.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.