My Physics teacher said I have no potential.
Joke's on her, I just bought a ladder.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
When I went to my favorite Irish cafe after years, I felt deja brew all over again.
Why did the sailor throw a penny into the whale’s mouth?
The sailor thought he was was a wishing whale!
I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
I need three things: The sun for the day, The moon for the night, and you for the whole life.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
"Common sense is not a gift. It’s a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn’t have it."
Anonymous
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
"When traveling with someone, take large doses of patience and tolerance with your morning coffee."
– Helen Hayes
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
“Yoga is not about tightening your ass. It’s about getting your head out of it.” — Eric Paskel
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iona.
Iona who?
Iona new car!
Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?
Why are boy keyboards scared of girl keyboards?
They don't want to get qwerties.
This soldier, Titius, liked to kick a soccer ball around at night and was suspected of breaking some important statues. When his friends asked why he hadn't showed up for his platoon's morning workout, Terentius Vespa quipped,
"Oh, it's okay - he said he broke an arm."
Five frantic frogs fled from fifty fierce fishes.
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?
Ugly.
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
What do you call a mosquito with a turbo?
A bug-hati.
“A dollar picked up in the road is more satisfaction to us than the 99 which we had to work for, and the money won at Faro or in the stock market snuggles into our hearts in the same way. ~Mark Twain
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
What did Dr.Frankenstein say when his monster spat on him?
It’s saliva!
What is a Viking's favorite music?
Ragnarock.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What's the best type of spoon?
I'll tell you ladle.
The fruit started to stutter as it was suffering from peach deterioration.
What do you call it when a raven marries a crow? A conspiracy to commit to murder.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
What did the brick road say on thanksgiving?
Cobble cobble cobble!
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
Excuse me, do you kiss strangers? No? Then let me introduce myself.
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?
We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"
“It’s just the most amazing thing to love a dog, isn’t it? It makes our relationships with people seem as boring as a bowl of oatmeal.”—John Grogan
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
You remind me of Halley's Comet. I don't wanna see you again for another 74 years.
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