My coffee hasn't kicked in yet, so I can't think of a charming pickup line.
I wasted my time on a vasectomy.
All it seemed to do was change the color of the baby.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
I just found out that Mercedes is donating state-of-the-art street sweepers to some of the largest cities around the world to help fight littering.
They're calling it Mercedes-clenz.
What did the bus say to the frog? Hop on.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
Did you hear about the Spanish ocean?
Si.
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
Was that an earthquake or are you rocking this run?
How rude-olf of you.
When I was a kid I thought I had a Chinese friend
But it was just my imaginasian.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
I'm always really disappointed when I pull up to a yard sale...
And they aren't willing to sell me any of their yards.
What is the fear of giants called?
Fee-fi-phobia
I've finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
What did one lightbulb say to the other lightbulb on Valentine’s Day?
I love you watts.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
Why did the Easter bunny fire the duck?
He kept quacking all the eggs.
What do you say to a bee that bothers you?
"Buzz off!"
Why do they eat snail in France?
Because they don’t have fast food.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Did you hear that there’s a webpage for people who suffer from chronic eye pain?
It’s a site for sore eyes.
“An Aquarius isn’t a rebel with a cause; they are the cause.”
— Jake Register
"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown
What’s the biggest danger of building a snow dog?
Frostbite!
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.
Hi, my name is Will. God's Will.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
There was an Old Man with a poker,
Who painted his face with red oker
When they said, 'You're a Guy!'
He made no reply,
But knocked them all down with his poker.
Are you the flags in a 200 back swim? Because I’ve been looking for you forever.
Why did the deer go to the spa?
“To doe off some steam!”
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
What’s the hardest part about working as a bus driver? Everyone’s talking behind your back.
what do you call the smaller rivers that run into the nile?
The juveniles
What do dinosaurs put on their pizza? Tomato-saurus
How does an octopus go to war?
Well armed.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
Q: What did the sign for the party for beavers say?
A: Beaver or be square.
Why are kangaroos good at brewing beer?
They have hops.
Why was the robot mad? People kept pushing its buttons.
What does a turtle do during winter? Sit by the fire and worm himself up.
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
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