Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License? Because she got an "F" in se*.
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
“A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.”
– Bernard Meltzer
Q: What did the dentist get for an award?
A: A little plaque
I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
What do you call a philosophical fairy?
Thinker-bell.
A tutor who taught on the flute,
tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
"Is it harder to toot or,
to tutor two tooters to toot?"
Kangaroos can grow up to six feet.
Most only grow two.
It’s so hot that corn on the stalks starts popping.
“Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.” - Joseph Barth
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
"Mosquito At My Ear"
Mosquito at my ear—
does he think
I’m deaf?
– Kobayashi Issa
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
“Good morning is a contradiction of terms.”
— Jim Davis
What do cherries write in love letters? I miss you cherry-bly.
Your ass is so nice, it's a shame you have to sit on it.
What do rabbits put in their computers? Hoppy disks!
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
Want to practice speaking in tongues with me?
TV news anchors love the shades of red. They get serious whenever there is Burgundy.
Do you breathe oxygen? We have so much in common.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
Pirates Private Property.
What kind of car does Yogi bear drive?
A Furrari.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)
If someone else would have invented the airplane, it wouldn't have been Wright.
Which Old Testament prophet took forever to make a point?
“I say… uhhh…” (say it out loud)
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Big Foot has been spotted throwing tantrums and talking back to his parents.
No wonder they call him the Sassquatch.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Aldo.
Aldo who?
Aldo anything for you.
You don't need an international ticket to get duty free with me.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
What did the tree say after someone hit it? We should really call the copse.
It’s so cold that Grandpa’s teeth are chattering – in the glass!
I value my breath so it would be nice if you didn't take it away every time you walked past.
It started raining coins outside today.
I guess it’s just climate change.
Why did the elephant start the stampede?
Because it wanted to be herd.
How can a clam cram in a clean cream can?
Why does Egypt not celebrate Father's Day?
Because they're so full of mummies
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