My wife said, "You act like a detective too much, I want to split up."
"Good idea!" I replied. "We can cover more ground that way!"

What do you call a computer that sings? A-Dell

Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”

What did the tie say to the hat? You go on ahead and I'll hang around!

Easter and April Fools fall on the same day this year...
You could say it only happens once in a blue moon.

Strawberries love delicious food. Their favorite is Jam-balaya.

Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.

I know a man whose last name is Storm
He has three daughters: Summer, April, and Haley.

What do geologists call a benzene ring with iron atoms replacing the carbon atoms? A ferrous wheel.

I was gonna make some car puns...
but I ran out of gas.

Looking out at the water, a father explains why the ice breaks up in the spring.
The changing sea son.

A well-loved parrot died, and was digitally immortalized in a 3D rendering.
Polygon but not forgotten.

My dad died on Thanksgiving whilst eating dinner.
Fowl play was suspected.

I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.

I imagine eventually there will be a day when we have a WiFi hotspot on Mt. Everest.
Only then will we reach peak internet.

Dogs can’t operate an MRI machine… but catscan.

Is this room hot or it’s just you?

Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.

What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A LAMBorghini

The leech, who is good at drawing blood, applied for a job in an art gallery.

I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.

What kind of turkey grows on a tree? Poultry.

Afraid he wouldn’t get into college the skeleton spent the weekend boning up on algebra.

Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.

My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!

I think you’re incredi-bowl.

I thought this was a bar, but I must be in a museum because you’re a piece of art.

My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.

"The difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion is the thickness of a prison wall."
– Denis Healey

A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"

The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."

The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"

Seagulls talking
what's the matter?
fussy squawking
seagulls talking...
Waddle walking
pavement patter-
Seagulls talking
what's the matter?

Birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”
Angry fussing
birds discussing
seagull cussing
“Hey, I want some!”
birds discussing
“Took my breadcrumb!”

(Rhona McFerran)

A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.

Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.

Hey girl, I can't wait to see your body - of Christ.

I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.

The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.

The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim

I didn’t know that my favorite Halloween treat came in life size!

What’s a gorilla’s favourite pop group? A: Bananarama!

What do you call a polar bear in Florida?
A solar bear.

I really hate these strings. I can feel it in my gut.

Thanksgiving is my favorite feast.
The table's set, the napkins creased.
We always have a great big crowd
With uncles, aunts and children loud.

The grownups shoo us to our chairs
With pushing hands and parent stares.
We wait to eat -- but this part's quirky.
Our main dish is never, ever turkey!

Our grandpa will not eat this bird.
On this he gave his solemn word.
Years ago when he was young,
He vowed it not to pass his tongue.

As a boy, he lived beside
The rolling Polish countryside.
The turkeys (this is so unkind)
Would chase and bite his small behind.

So even though it's quite the norm,
He shuns the bird in every form.
I understand how grandpa feels
And how it's changed his life-long meals.

But me, I'd rather take attack.
Once a year, I'd bite them back!

- Denise Rodgers

What kind of seal do you get on letters from Turkey?
A stamped bull.

How can you tell where the Easter Bunny has been? Eggs mark the spot.

I’m an astronaut and my next mission is to explore Uranus.

It was Halloween and
We were on our way to a party
They were both dressed as vampires
And I was Professor Moriarty

We stopped at the supermarket
But didn’t have any cash
So we thought we’d steal some booze
Then make a dash

The bottles we wanted
Were on the very top of the racks
Which we couldn’t reach
So I had to stand on their backs

Once I had the bottles
Dracula hid them under his cape
And without drawing attention
We casually made our escape

But we were caught on CCTV
A very clear image by all accounts
I was charged with shoplifting
On two counts.


- Paul Curtis

My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.

I had a dream I was looking for my brain
But it was all in my head.

What's Irish and stays out all night?
Paddy O'Furniture.

My neighbor was walking across the street while carrying the game Scrabble then suddenly dropped it, leaving the game board and pieces on the ground.
I said: “Hey Jeff! What’s the word on the street?”