That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.
Why did the Mexican take Xanax?
For hispanic attacks.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.
So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"
What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Girl, you can kiss heaven goodbye because it's got to be a sin to look that good.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
What is brown and sticky?
A stick!
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
I'm very proud of my family for owning such a musical property.
We live in A flat.
Why don't we do it in the road?No one will be watching us
Here they come, with birthday cheer,
Bringing gifts just once a year,
People you don't even like;
You really wish they'd take a hike.
This should be a glad occasion;
But it seems more like a SWAT invasion.
Go away! Just take a break!
Oh well, at least there's birthday cake.
(Joanna Fuchs)
What was one raindrop overheard saying to another? Two's company, three's a cloud.
What do you call two bandits in a race on the ocean.
Piracy.
What martial art do monkeys practice?
Flung Poo.
How do you get into the mush-room? Ring the porta-bella.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What did the LEFT Stereo Speaker say to the RIGHT, as he was being taken away for repairs
AUDIOS!
What kind of chocolate do ghouls like?
Hearse-sheys!
Tommy Tucker tried to tie Tammy's Turtles tie.
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
Dalai Lama
Why are math books so darn depressing?
They’re literally filled with problems.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself...
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
I was walking down an alley in Scotland when I found a severed man's hand...
I wonder if he was kilt.
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
Why do plants hate math?
Because it gives them square roots.
Someone took my three-legged chair.
I guess it was stoolen
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”―Helen Rowland
What do you call a number that can’t keep still?
A roamin’ numeral.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
What do you call an alert ant?
Vigil-ant.
What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
The zombie's had some bad news.
He's looking very grave.
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar.
The bartender says: "Hold it! We don't serve minors here."
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.
Oof.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
What fish perform at the circus?
Clown fish!
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
Asked my boy to boil the kettle.
He said, "wouldn't it be better to boil some water?"
What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
I got invited to a costume party, so I went as a turtle.
I had a shell of a time.
How do you call football without shoes?
Socker.
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